Stage 21 MANTES-LA-JOLIE>PARIS CHAMPS-ÉLYSÉES - The Tour Comes Home.

Well, here we are, after three magical weeks the Tour has finally arrived in Paris. I’ll keep this short and sweet as by now we’ve seen the film many times over – the Sunday coffee ride into Paris followed by a crit race on one of the most famous streets on the planet and yes, they had the jets with the tricolour chemtrail!

For the last time Guillaume Brahimi made his way to the Plat du Tour kitchen and made a bowl of another French classic, onion soup.  Bravo Brahimi on your debut to the SBS Tour de France coverage, Gabs would be proud.

What an amazing Tour, Tasmania’s Richie Porte sealed his third place on the Paris podium, Primoz Roglic is the runner-up and how about Tadej Pogacar who just a day shy of his 22^nd birthday won the yellow, the KOM and the white jersey for the best young rider. That is some birthday present but has anyone asked Pog if he’s peaked too early?

And too think Pogacar had only had ambitions to just get to the Tour. Chapeau to the Pog, he has a stellar career ahead of him.

Chapeau to Sam Bennett for winning the final stage (bad luck Caleb) and being the first Irishman to win the green jersey competition since Sean Kelly in 1989.

Chapeau to the SBS team who bring us this spectacle every year and chapeau to Robbie and Mattie as always. Big shoutout to Dr Bridie O’Donnell who has been such a great addition to the caravan of commentary team.

And the biggest chapeau to all on the Couch Peloton whether a first timer or a seasoned veteran for following my inane recaps every day.

This is the first edition of Le Wrap since the last in 2017. Extraordinary times called for a revisit. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed posting each day of the Tour but this will be it for now, but you never know I may come back in future years to cover the great race.

Finally, the Tour has given three weeks of joy in lockdown Melbourne. This is a race of perseverance and resilience. We fully understand that and with that we will win.

Stage 20 LURE>LA PLANCHE DES BELLES FILLES - It's the Pog Over the Rog as Porte Podiums.

Stage 20 and it’s a 36.2km individual time trial from Lure to La Planche des Belles Filles. With Tadej Pogacar just 57 seconds behind Primoz Roglic and Tasmania’s Richie Porte eyeing of third for the Paris podium on Sunday, this was shaping up to be a nail-biter of a day.

So far the Tour has been a race of attrition, a race of nutrition but tonight it’s the race of truth and truth is very thin on the ground these days.

This was no flat fullgaz style time trial – it starts off flat but kicks up at in the final 5.9km at an average gradient of 8.5%.

The course was cause for a mix of strategies. Some riders would start on a time trial bike and swap for the lighter road bike for the climb to La Planche des Belle Filles. It still made me wonder why the bike change? If it’s going to be too steep for a TT bike, then why only regular road bikes?

In the Plat du Tour kitchen for the second last time Guillaume Brahimi was putting a fancy twist to the famous fancily named toastie, the croque monsieur. In this version he uses smoked salmon instead of ham and mozzarella. However, I’m pretty sure this is technically a croque madame with the addition of salmon roe.

Out on the course and the riders took to the road one by one. The starting order is the reverse of the GC standings so it was a long wait for the top riders. Good thing about a long ITT is being able to nap early on and not miss out on much of the action. Boy, this last week has been difficult trying to stay awake.

Kudos to Troll DJ for bringing out The Good, the Bad and The Ugly. That’s cycling for you and a nice tribute to Ennio Morricone. Oh, and to vaches, horses and raptors as well.

Some understated support for Thibaut Pinot judging by the paint on the road in the town of Melisey. Well, it is Pinot’s home town after all and it probably helps that his father is the mayor so no problem with getting permission to paint Pinot’s name all over the road.

As the starting order edged toward the final ten, Nairo Quintana started as the seventeenth last rider and I really feel for Quintana who had a run of rotten luck with crashes this Tour.

As Richie Porte warmed up Robbie mentioned Porte would probably be listening to some Metallica and Troll DJ obliged with Enter Sandman. Gotta say Troll DJ is very astute, definitely sharper than a bag of wet mice.

In thirteenth place Guillaume Martin took to the road. He enjoyed a few days in third in GC and I was hoping he could get back into the top ten.

Talk about home ground advantage but that was a good ride from Pinot but no threat to the hot seat.

Fingers crossed and Porte rolled out of the start house. He is a very good time trialist and so far so good. He was opting for a bike swap, potentially risky if Richie or the team fluff it.

Not even Dexter dared to predict.

But as Australia’s greatest cyclist Cadel Evans noted in his Zoom chat with Tomo and Mark Renshaw, the gains outweighed the risks by swapping for a lighter road bike. Fortunately, there was a nicely executed bike change for Richie and his pace was enough to bump Superman Manuel Angel Lopez off the third step on the Paris podium.

All eyes however were on Pogacar and Roglic, the last two riders to leave the start house.

Roglic was looking strong, like one big glute ball out back. Maybe a yellow skinsuit will do that to you but with glutes like that it’s no wonder he’s good in the mountains.

Pogacar was putting in a belter of a ride and it was game on, Pog v Rog, and with Porte in the mix it was super excite.

The times between the two Slovenians narrowed and you know shit is serious in an ITT when the Perfect Match split screen appears.

The times were even for Pog and Rog and not even the Perfect Match robot Dexter was prepared to make a prediction.

That’s it! It’s official, Richie has made it to the podium!

Amazingly the Pog posted the fastest time to not only win the stage but cleaned up the yellow, the polka dots and white jerseys. Incredible, all this and he’s only two days away from his 22^nd birthday.

It was also a great day for Slovenia with the tiny country on the top steps on the podium. No sour grapes from Roglic, it must be devastating to lose the yellow so close to the Paris procession, but a big hug from the Rog with the Pog and that’s special.

No doubt this will go done in history as one of the best ITT stages of all time. Many will compare it to the battle between Greg LeMond and Laurent Fignon in the individual time trial in the final stage way back in 1989 when the American made one of the greatest comebacks to win the Tour by eight seconds.

Now only Paris awaits.

Stage 19 BOURG-EN-BRESSE>CHAMPAGNOLE - Time Is On Andersen's Side.

Stage nineteen and we’re so close to Paris by now you almost reach and touch it. Well, not quite, it is a few hundred kilometres away but you get what I mean. Some relief for the riders though with the big mountains out of the way and a chance for the sprinters to shine once more.

During the day news came through of Jumbo-Visma sports director Merijn Zeeman’s expulsion from the Tour for, ‘intimidation, insults, improper behaviour of a team member towards a UCI member during the bicycle check carried out after stage 17’.

Apparently Zeeman became agitated during a check of Primoz Roglic’s bike for motor doping, which has become routine in recent years. He became ‘emotional’ when a UCI official removed the crankset for closer inspection and Zeeman alleged the crankset had been damaged – a claim refuted by the UCI.

So Zeeman has his lad in yellow but has been kicked out of the Tour. His bank account will also be CHF 2,000 lighter for the fine he has to pay on top of his expulsion. CHF 2,000 by the way is about the price of a coffee and a sandwich at a Swiss airport.

Speaking of money, Tomo had Rochelle Gilmour back and the discussion turned to real estate and how cheap it is to buy rural property in places like France and Spain compared to Australia.

You can buy a 100 room chateau with large grounds full of game in France for the price of a handkerchief sized block with just a termite ridden outhouse on it in inner Melbourne next to a meth-lab.

Over in the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahimi was making chicken a la crème. Another good looking recipe and I might actually get around to making some the Plat du Tour recipes one day.

Back to the SBS studio and Macka checked in for the regular Zoom meeting. All eyes were on Tasmania’s Richie Porte who held on to fourth place in the GC after that puncture on gravel in yesterday’s stage.

In a post-race interview Porte was grateful for some of the support he received from the Murder Hornets, and the main lesson from Porte is, “It’s good to have friends in the peloton”; which could be interpreted as be kind to others and what goes around comes around, or simply just don’t shit in the nest of the peloton.

Over to the race (yes, there was some racing today) and the Remi Cavagna TGV had left the station.

Cavagna set a blistering pace on the flat valley roads of the Jura averaging at about 50km at one point, which is roughly around world hour record pace and, as Robbie noted, on a regular road bike.

Perhaps Cavagna was going for the three-hour record over 166km but the TGV was not even slowing through the stations.

Mmmm, Bienenstich!

At the 105km to go mark a large tractor bell rig was spotted at the roadside. It had lots of bells, in fact all the bells, the only thng missing were the whistles.

By now Cavagna was moving so fast the race was already ten minutes ahead of schedule so the caterers for the end of the stage had better get a wriggle on.

Speaking of food, and one of the more unusual causes for a withdrawal from the Tour, Lukas Postlberger was stung by a bee on the inside of his mouth. I don’t think Postlberger quite got the memo that eating Bienenstich doesn’t mean literally eating a Bienenstich.

Oh, and a standing ovation please for Troll DJ for playing Nirvana’s Stay Away from the album Nevermind in honour of the breakaway. Troll DJ could have gone for other tracks such as On A Plain (flat stage), Drain You (a three week bike race) or how about Territorial Pissings? (Nature break).

Meanwhile in the Cavagna TGV the first class passengers expect to be in Paris before Saturday.

We may have found a winner in the Field Art jersey competition with a cow fashioned from a round of cheese drinking a glass of milk and winking at us. Actually ‘the Winking Cow doesn’t just win the Field Art jersey, it’s worthy of inclusion in the Louvre.

Halfway through the race and Cavagna was joined by riders looking for some glory including Peter Bennett, Sam Sagan, Matteo Trentin and Soren Kragh Andersen. With so many sprinters congealing up the front, it was hard to pick a winner.

Andersen went solo from 16km to go and with a yell for “TIME!!!!” in the last kilometres, time was on his side and notched up win number two.

In the Bennett v Bora Battle, Bennett looks to have the green jersey competition stitched up. Roglic looks to have all but won the Tour de France but all eyes will be on tomorrow’s individual time trial, and Richie Porte, for a possible spot on the podium in Paris.

Stage 18 MÉRIBEL>LA ROCHE-SUR-FORON - Kwiat and Carapaz Finally Deliver for Ineos.

Stage eighteen and another big day in the Alps after yesterday’s monster Queen stage. We’re getting toward the end of the Tour now and there will be a lot of tired bodies in the peloton.

Straight to the action and a sizable breakaway got going and I wondered what’s with the fishing reel sound effect? Is it meant to be the sound of a free-wheeling rear hub or a breakie fishing for a stage win?

Later the Tour chopper spotted vaches, and lots of them and we herd cowbells too…Yeah, nah not that keen on the ‘Hey, Hey It’s Saturday’ level sound effects at this year’s Tour.

News came through of Aussie Couch Peloton favourite Andre Greipel’s withdrawal from the race and sadly we won’t see him go for a possible stage victory in Paris on Sunday. In a tweet from his team Israel Start up Nation, Greipel expressed, ”I am a father, and I have to show my kids - the way: Never quit unless having nothing left.”

 After eighteen stages of late nights how many others have nothing left? Big show of hands from the Couch Peloton, me included.

In the pretend SBS caravan of commentary, Robbie, Mattie and Bridie were discussing the gear ratios riders used by the riders to tackle the steep climbs in stage seventeen. Robbie said Tasmania’s Richie Porte had a 36 at the front and 33 at the back set up.

In many situations the legs would spin like the Roadrunner with that setup except for the toughest of ramps but we all could have done with a 36 cog to get us through this stage too.

Discussion turned to the eyebrow raising decision to award Julian Alaphilippe the most combative prize for yesterday’s ride. Hands down everyone (apart from the French) thought Richard Carapaz was more deserving.

Shout out from Bridie to the Oarsome Foursome and thanks for the Goulburn Valley tinned fruit commercial, “Mango, mango, peaches” ear worm. OK, I can't find the original ad but check out the lads in this one.

Out on the course and the stage was a real up and down affair with five opportunities to collect KOM points. Carapaz, Michal Kwiatkowski and Marc Hirschi took the lead. Benoit Cosnefroy had managed to wrestle back the polka dot jersey the day before only to see the spotty jersey pass from Cosnepois to Polkacar.

With the Cormet de Roseland and Cote de la Route des Villes out of the way, Carapaz, Kwiatkowski and Hirschi went over the top. Carapaz was in hot pursuit of Hirschi on the descent but Hirschi crashed at 68km/h overcooking a corner. Hirschi hit the deck on his left side and slid into what looked like a soft bank at the roadside.

 

Kwiat and Carapaz make a deal.

Hirschi got straight back on his bike and continued to chase as he tried bashing the left brake hood straight on the handle bars. Road rash didn’t seem to slow Hirschi down here.

Back in the SBS studio and Tomo was reading out the Couch Peloton tweets and hashtags in support of Richie Porte. #RoarforRichie was the clear favourite in the hashtag stakes reminiscent of #YellforCadel, but the ducks are even getting behind Richie Porte with #PaddleforPorte

Spectators on the climbs appeared to be better behaved than the rather alarming behaviour of the roadside randoms on the Col de Loze the day before.

Makes me wonder how simple rope barriers seem to do the trick in separating spectators from the riders and why weren’t they deployed on the Loze where it really mattered? Still, it’s a sign of these covid times when the sight of crowds and screaming fans without masks is now positively cringe-worthy.

Ever wondered what goes into a musette or feedbag you see riders collect in the feedzones? Jumbo-Visma took time out to show how to keep the hungry hornets buzzing. Gels, energy bars, a banana and maybe a sports drink go into the bag along with a well-known brand of carbonated beverage.

You can have your fancy gels with caffeine shots and isotonic sports drinks but at the end of the day nothing beats a red can.

Back to the race and the lead riders were heading for the gravel section of the Col de Glieres and I wondered if the riders swap road for gravel bikes with bags covering every inch of the frame for a bike packing adventure?

No bike swap and once on the gravel it’s, “Heigh-ho, the gravel-o, A-hunting we will go”.

Drama for Porte as he looked to be having trouble on the gravel and it was quickly established he had a front wheel puncture.

Porte lost time to his GC rivals but with a change of bike from the team car he was on his way and managed to claw back the deficit and hang onto fourth in GC.

In the final 27km to the finish Ineos teammates Kwiatkowski and Carapaz were in the clear and the question was who would go first across the line?

A deal was struck, Kwiat for his first stage win and Carapaz gets to wear the dots having cleared Polkacar by two points.

In a scene reminiscent of Thelma and Louise without a cliff-dive at the finale - although you could say Ineos’s Tour campaign as a whole was a cliff-dive – it was a covid safe fist bump as the pair crossed the line.

Stage 17 GRENOBLE>MÉRIBEL COL DE LA LOZE - Superman, Super Effort.

Stage seventeen and we’ve arrived at the Queen stage of the Tour, one in which much like the pieces on a chess board the GC riders will make their moves and shake up the standings.

With two brutal climbs ahead; the Col de la Madeleine and the Col de la Loze, Tomo said Robbie was licking his lips in anticipation of the stage but Robbie maintained it was because he’d finished off the catering.

All eyes in the SBS commentariat and the Couch Peloton were on Tasmania’s Richie Porte who was sitting in sixth place on the GC and there was an opportunity today to aim for the top three.

In the pre-race interview Porte looked relaxed. He said he was, “Motivated, a bit like a duck under water, cool calm and collected on the outside”. I’ve seen Porte’s swims on Strava and he’s not bad at it so he should be alright today.

The big news of the day was defending champion Egan Bernal’s withdrawal from the Tour. Tomo had questioned why Bernal would not press on to Paris and give something back to the team mates who supported him.

Fair question but Bernal had been suffering back problems and an issue with a knee. Today’s huge climbs would probably make things worse.

Bernal is the first defending champion to abandon the Tour since Chris Froome in 2014. But the Colombian is young and like Froome he’ll probably be back in the hunt for yellow next year.

Out on the road and after a fast start a bunch of riders went off the front of the peloton including Julian Alaphilippe, Richard Carapaz, Gorka Izagirre, yesterday’s stage winner Lennard Kamna.

As the moto cameras followed the lead riders, Robbie noticed that Kamna was always eating. Riders constantly need to fuel their bodies on a huge mountain stage, and reflecting on his days in the Tour, Robbie said he felt like a, “Thanksgiving turkey in a feed lot”.

And with that Mattie threw to Guillaume Brahimi in the Plat du Tour kitchen where he was preparing his Paris mash. Why Paris mash? Guillaume said he was looking for inspiration when his mother sent him a copy of the gossip magazine ‘Paris Match’ and that’s how his mashed spuds got their name.

To successfully make the dish he dries off the potatoes in a saucepan on the stove and when stirring in the milk and butter (of course) he uses a “wooden spoon and guns”.

Not all heroes wear undies on the outside and cyclists don't wear them on the inside either.

In honour of today’s queen stage, Troll DJ brought out the Queen hits. Heh, saw what you did there Troll DJ!

‘I Want to Break Free’ and of course ‘Bicycle Race’ got a look in. Later, out came Queen and Bowie's ‘Under Pressure’, however, if the forecast for possible bad weather was realised at the top of the Col de la Loze it could turn to ‘Ice, Ice Baby’ for the peloton.

Back on the road and there was a rare sighting of Rigoberto Uran and I'm still perplexed about how a bloke in hot pink kit can hide in the peloton for more than two weeks and be third in GC.

For the riders in the laughing group today’s stage was all about surviving the time cut and the Quick Steppers were all for getting Peter Bennett in green to the finish.

Cosnepois was hanging on to the polka dots but only just and the day before conceded that he’d probably lose his grip on the KOM competition.

More tunes from Queen from the Troll DJ until it brought out the Couch Peloton classic ‘Cows with Guns’.

So there you have it - in one night we had Guillaume's guns and Cows with Guns.

First huge climb of the day and Carapaz was first over the top of the Col de la Madeleine, but Tadej Pogacar picked up enough KOM points to take the lead from Cosnepoid so now Tadej is the Polka Pog.

Back in the peloton and the Murder Hornets collected musettes to feed the Rog who was determined to be at his best to defend himself against an attack from the Pog sitting just 40 seconds behind in the GC.

With the Madeleine out of the way an even bigger beast awaited in the form of the Col de la Loze, a 21.5km climb at an average gradient of 7.8% but the sting in the tail were the ramps at 24% and 18% toward the finish line.

Alaphilippe and Carapaz started on the climb but soon riders started to crack with Alaphilippe dropped. Carapaz went solo in a gutsy effort from the Ecuadorian but was caught by Miguel Angel Lopez and Sep Kuss at 3km to go but Lopez lived up to his Superman reputation and crossed the line in first place.

The Pog was in hot pursuit of the Rog but Roglic came in second across the line and with time bonuses increased his lead to 57 seconds over Pogacar.

Great ride by Richie Porte, who at one stage had a virtual third place spot on the GC but when the dust had settled, Superman was in third and Porte moved from sixth to fourth and he’s got to be happy about that.

Stage 16 LA TOUR-DU-PIN>VILLARD-DE-LANS - Kamna Collects.

After a well-earned rest day in Isere, Le Tour resumed for some brutal mountain stages in the French Alps.

Earlier in the day Tomo and his team and the Couch Peloton were abuzz with the news SBS secured the broadcast rights for the Tour for the next ten years.  A no-brainer really considering SBS *is* the home of cycling in Australia.

In a statement on Twitter Tomo wrote, “@LeTour could easily have signed a lucrative deal with a commercial Australian network. But ASO is grateful at the treatment and respect SBS has given to their event since 1991. We treat the #tdf with TLC + not as a “throwaway” event held on the other side of the world”.  We on the Couch Peloton couldn’t agree more.

Over to the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahimi shared Tour snack tips on what to put on a charcuterie plate as an alternative to cheese, although I doubt anyone in the Couch Peloton is sick of cheese yet.

From the drop of the flag teams were keen to get riders into an early breakaway as they sniffed an opportunity for a stage win. Among the breakies were Sebastien Reichenbach, Julian Alaphilippe, Richard Carapaz and Lennard Kamna.

Alaphilippe gave a master class in bicycle mechanics when appearing to have a problem with the front derailleur, unclipped his right shoe and gave it a couple of good kicks. Time for a bike change, and it’s a good thing teams carry spares because with a surge in popularity in cycling, which has led to shortages of stock in the bike shops, he could be hanging around for a while for his order to come in.

Troll DJ fired up the Red Hot Chili Peppers for a bridge montage with Under the Bridge, but the riders were ON the bridge, not under the bridge and that was a bridge too far.

With all the attention on the young Slovenian Tadej Pogacar in second place behind Primoz Roglic, attention turned in the SBS studio on how you say ‘Pogacar’. We heard it from the man himself, just remember folks, ‘Pogacar’ is pronounced like ‘focaccia’.

First climb of the day was the Col de Porte, which is named after Richie and is more famous than the lesser known Col de Cole Porter. Thank me later.

Pierre Rolland was also among the big breakie bunch and hunting for KOM points was the first over the Col de Porte and it was shame the honour didn’t belong to Richie Porte.

Soon after the second climb of the day loomed and you just know the ‘laughing group’ would revel in the thought of climbing Cote de Revel...

The Tour chopper spotted the Grande Chartreuse monastery, famous for its liqueur made to an ultra- secret recipe. Robbie and Mattie noted that the monks have a vow of silence and those living through the Melbourne Rona lockdown can relate to the monks who spend 20 hours a day in their rooms.

Hang on, this can't be Richie Porte...

On the ascent of Cote de Revel, Pogacar closely followed Primoz Roglic and you could say the Pog is the Rog's shadow. Rolland meanwhile was first over the top to collect more KOM points and now Benoit Cosnefroy was no longer the Roi of the pois.

The Tour chopper flew past Fort du Saint-Eynard, perched high on limestone cliffs above the city of Grenoble. Stunning.

One thing I must say about the Tour choppers is the TV viewing experience wouldn’t be the same without them, not only for bringing us the natural beauty of France but also the amazing architecture and historical monuments.

Cathedrals and other religious sites are high on the itinerary but one thing I haven’t seen are a lot of names ending in ‘Notre Dame’ but plenty of another kind.  At first first glance you’d say that's an Eglise or church, not a cathedral, but that's only an assumption…

Back to the race and Quentin Pacher took off on the other side of Cote de Revel but was caught by Alaphilippe, Kamna, Carapaz and Reichenbach.

At the next climb, the category one Montee de Saint Nizier du Moucherotte, the breakies had a handy thirteen-minute lead and there was no chance of the peloton catching such a strong group.

Carapaz and Kamna led the climb but Kamna was too strong and time trialled the remaining 18km to the finish at Villard-de-Lans.  

Kamna crossed the line so early he had time for a shower and shave before the yellow jersey group arrived.

Back in the yellow group Pogacar had a bit of a throw but the Murder Hornets, who once again lead the peloton, kept the Pog in check and the Rog held his 40 second lead.

Stage 15 LYON>GRAND COLOMBIER - The Pog, The Rog, The Porte.

Stage fifteen and today’s stage with two category one climbs and a hellish ascent of the hors categorie Grand Colombier, it was day that promised to potentially shape the final week of the Tour.

In the SBS studio Tomo had Mark Renshaw back for the pre-race analysis and according to Renshaw, “The early climbs will soften up the punch in the legs”. I think I get what he means.

Macka was early with his Zoom call and discussion turned to what happens when things initially don’t go to plan in a race. We all know the answer; teams need to implement the P word.

Over to the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahimi was preparing a dessert of Ile flottante with praline and lavender creme anglaise. The dish features meringue pillows floating on custard and Brahimi showed us a party trick that he would encourage us to do try at home – tipping the bowl with whisked meringue mixture upside down over your head. If it sticks it’s ready. Makes me wonder though how many takes were needed for the stunt.

Before too long it was off to the action as racing got under way and it wasn’t long before Troll DJ busted out Before Too Long by Paul Kelly in honour of the riders who notched up there first victories at the Tour.

Onion Skin by Boom Crash Opera made us wince at the sight of battered and bruised cyclists, some of which have had one crash too many. Only thing Troll DJ, was this an alternative version by Boom Crash Opera or a cover?

The race had barely gotten under way when on a descent at about 60km/h Bob Jungels swung to the right of the road catching the front wheel of Sergio Higuita with his back wheel and Higuita went down heavily.

Amazingly Higuita got up, got going but was quickly met by a Tour ambulance. The Colombian national champ made it to the peloton but abandoned. It looked like he banged his head in the crash and with concussion fears for Romain Bardet fresh on everyone’s minds it was probably for the best he didn’t continue.

Soon after an eight-man breakaway formed that included Simon Geschke, Jesus Herrada, Michael Gogl and Pierre Rolland.

I have a great idea for a cycling team name.

Then another crash. Involving Hugo Hofstetter and Richard Carapaz. Not shaping up well for  Egan Bernal who would be counting on help from Carapaz on the climbs.

First climb of the day was the category one Montee de la Selle de Fromentel.  Geschke, Herrada and Rolland were out front and Michael Gogl zig-zagged up the steep climb to make contact.

Robbie and Bridie spotted some field art of what looked like milk and cheese in the gears, chicken on the handle bars and I could have sworn for a moment there the two were talking about Gogl and not the field art. It’s been a long two weeks.

With the Montee de la Selle de Fromentel with its 22% pitch near the top out of the way, it wouldn’t be long for the next Biche of a climb, the categorie one Col de la Biche.

With the Col de la Biche conquered, all 17km at 7.1% average gradient Grand Colombier awaited.

Back in the peloton and Thibaut Pinot was shaking his head again. Just when you think things can go wrong in the Tour you can count on the French to make it happen.

On the ascent of Grand Colombier, Gogl and Rolland held together until Gogl cracked. News came through that both Bernal and Nairo Quintana had been dropped and the Murder Hornets were buzzing with delight as Wout Van Aert led the charge.

At 10km to go the lead group included Primoz Roglic, Tadej Pogacar, Tasmania’s Richie Porte and Adam Yates.

Yates launched an attack and as Yoda would say, “Yates, can you yes”. He was soon caught by the Murder Hornets with Tom Dumoulin doing a fair share of the destroying.

Robbie officially declared that Bernal had blown a foo-foo valve and with that Rigoberto Uran slipped into third place on virtual GC from Bernal and I was going out of my tiny mind!

Uran is also known as ‘Mick Jagger’ in the peloton and when he retires he should put a team together and call it ‘Colombia Start Me Up Nation’.

On the run to the line Richie Porte looked like he was in with a chance of a stage victory but the Slovenians were too strong and it was, in the words of Robbie, “The Pog, the Rog, the Porte”.

Egan Bernal gave that salty look crossing the line. He’s slipped from third to thirteenth, the rest day couldn’t come soon enough.

Stage 14 CLERMONT-FERRAND>LYON - Hats Off To Kragh Andersen.

Stage fourteen and the riders set off for the 194km journey to Frances’s third largest city of Lyon ahead of a huge stage tomorrow culminating in a mountain top finish of the Grand Colombier.

Back in the SBS studio Tomo chatted about a Twitter exchange between Mattie and Caleb Ewan with Caleb daring Mattie to be as excited for him if he wins a stage as Colombian radio commentary was for Dani Martinez’s stage thirteen victory.

With that excitement level challenge set Ewan will have to BMX trick his way across the line in Paris and Mattie will have to scream so hard he pops an eyeball.

Over to, you guessed it, the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahimi was preparing his French-style fish and chips with thebutter.

The Couch Peloton was a little underwhelmed by the effort, even with the artful arrangement of the pommes Pont Neuf. Where are the dimmies, the potato cakes/scallops (it potato cakes thank you) and a pickled onion from the jar on the fish ‘n chip shop counter?

Still, awesome work with the butter and the way Guillaume is going, by the time the Tour reaches Paris he’ll be serving up a life sized bust of himself created purely from herb butter.

News emerged earlier in the day from Fake Mike Tomalaris with the announcement of his retirement. He’d hinted Twitter had been watching his hilarious antics and was none too happy about it, but giving it some thought - did the ASO assassinate Fakey? Bloody ASO, they have their tentacles everywhere!

In the pretend Caravan of Commentary, discussion turned to the issue of a concussion protocol in cycling after Romain Bardet’s crash and abandonment after stage thirteen. I still wonder how, even if a clear concussion protocol is established, hard it would be to implement given that pro riders would rather press on even if both legs snapped off in a crash.

Mattie was looking ahead to tomorrow’s stage culminating at the top of hors categorie Grand Colombier. Normally a climb like this would attract thousands of spectators but not this year due to covid restrictions with a ban on fans.

I can image that virtual Dutch corner will be fans dressed in orange all on a Zoom call getting drunk and accidentally setting fire to the apartment letting off safety flares.

Saturday night and Troll DJ was spinning the discs. A ‘barrage montage’ was accompanied by Dam(n) wish I was your lover. Well played Troll DJ, well played.

The peloton made its way across some beautiful landscapes in a part of the country known as, according to Bridie, “France’s Yarra Valley”. Nice one Bridie, I reckon the Yarra Valley is a corker too.

Not quite the famous Loire Valley today, although the race passes the town of Loire and the region boasts its fair share of chateaux from the magnificent to ruins.

Looked like Chateau de la Faye was too much for the tradies but nothing that the medieval Blockheads can’t sort out. Torture chamber/home cinema anyone?

In the battle for the green jersey Sam Bennett still holds a handy lead over Peter Sagan who is solely focused on getting it back. He made up a little ground and Bora v Bennett is shaping up to be the love story of this Tour.

Eagle-eyed Bridie landed the first roadside random mankini sighting of the Tour. Fortunately, many of us were spared the sight and we were hoping he was wearing a mask at least.

They're mad for hats at the Hat Museum.

The cycling godz were smiling upon the peloton and apart from the wash out in Nice, and maybe some showers on one or two stages, the weather has been great so far. If, and when, you can get there, early Autumn is a fab time to visit Europe, especially the south.

Back on the road and Edward Theuns and Stefan Kung had been out front for much of the day only for Kung to go solo and diesel up the climbs.

Mattie thought with the look on his face Kung was auditioning for the Luna Park entrance. I always thought Fabio Aru had a monopoly on that competition but since Aru has abandoned the field is wide open. And with a nod to the late Paul Sherwen a, “Job of work” to Kung from Mattie.

Meanwhile Troll DJ was playing the classic Troll DJ hits ‘n memories with Jane’s Addiction’s Mountain Song. Things got a bit raunchy with ABBAs Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight), but you know, whatever floats your boat!

Is it just me or is anyone else having trouble distinguishing Movistar from Astana in their respective light blue kits? I think we need to start calling them Movistana or Asstar whenever they are together from now on.

60km to go and as the riders passed through Chazelles-sur-Lyon Mattie spotted a Chapeau or Hat Museum. Chapeau Mattie for pointing this one out!

As the race approached Lyon attacks a plenty came, particularly in the arm wrestle between Bora and Bennett. Bridie spoke of the invisible riders and do any of the invisible riders happen to include Rigoberto Uran by any chance?

In the end it was Danish rider Soren Kragh Andersen who timed his move at the 3km to go mark to notch up his first Tour victory.

Primoz Roglic held on to yellow with a 44 second lead over Slovenian compatriot Tadej Pogacar and nearly one minute over defending champion Egan Bernal.

Will we see fireworks from the Colombian on the Grand Colombier?

Stage 13 CHÂTEL-GUYON>PUY MARY CANTAL - Magic For Martinez, Bad Day For Bardet.

Stage thirteen and a tough day in the saddle loomed for the peloton with a mountain finish on the extinct volcano Puy Mary.

Joining the SBS coverage and a list of the GC placings flashed up on the screen and how the hell did Rigoberto Uran end up in sixth place without anyone noticing? He is a smooth operator.

Over to the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahini was matching two ingredients dear to my heart – prawns and butter in a dish of wholeking prawns with Cafe de Paris butter with a fennel and herb salad. Brahini really knows how to please a crowd!

Out on the course and a sixteen-man break held a comfortable lead over the peloton and the day was shaping to be a tale of two races – one for the stage win and another for GC.

The Murder Hornets were out in front of the peloton doing the pace making again, or as the resident Doc of Chateau du Tete calls them the ‘Biene Maja’.

In the Couch Peloton Dr Bridie O’Donnell declared the evening’s Tour snacks theme as Fromage Friday and many obliged breaking out the fine French cheeses and crackers. My contribution was a really ripe Camembert, the result of a 37 hour power outage and it was perfect.

Half way through the race and Romain Bardet, Baulke Mollema and either Nairo or his brother Dayer Quintana crashed heavily.

Mollema abandoned with a broken wrist, Bardet looked Dayer and confused as much as we were about which Quintana went down (it turned out to be Nairo).

Bardet was up and going along with Quintana but Bridie and Mattie weren’t so sure he should be riding concussed. Robbie reminded us of Toms Skujins’ crash at the 2017 Tour of California. He was clearly concussed and tried to get back on and get going - an awful sight to see.

Upside down #13 dossard of sliced ripe Camembert. It is stage 13 after all.

Back to the race and now there were sixteen Jumbo-Visma riders at the front of the peloton acting as bodyguards for Tour leader Primoz Roglic.

The Tour chopper spotted seated vache who tried to trick us into thinking it was going to rain. Look, we see you giggling as the peloton moves on but the gig is up cows!

Mattie had another instalment in the adventures of Billy-Joe Shearsby. As it turned out Shearsby once left his World Championship gold medal and a rolled up rainbow jersey in a plastic bag in an HJ Holden that was going off to the wreckers. We presume he carried the jersey for a makeshift fanbelt should it break, but that’s some cycling rock ‘n roll history right there folks.

Some of the mountain roads on the course were quite narrow and twisty and we saw the addition of old school hay bales marking the descents. Who needs fancy electronic signs? Not Neilson Powless, who rode superbly off the front of the breakaway group with Max Schachmann in pursuit.

Schachmann caught up with Powless and worked together until Schachmann took the lead. Shachmann was caught by Danny Martinez and team mate Lennard Kamna, the Schach tactics hadn’t worked.

He reached out for gels and water offered up at the roadside, all of which was no good for Schachmann when all he was really hanging out for was a red can, unfortunately the Mavic drinks motos only stock Dr Pepper.

On the brutally steep run to the line Kamna made his move but Martinez was too strong. Chapeau, that was a great battle with Kamna at the end and didn’t you heart the heart victory salute from Martinez?

Back in what was left of a shattered peloton the battle for GC raged on with last year’s Tour champ Egan Bernal on the ropes, Richie Porte climbed the climbing ropes and Primoz Roglic was cool, calm and collected even with Tadej Pogacar snapping at his heels.

Bravo Romain Bardet who made it to the finish but had slipped from fourth to eleventh in the GC. He later retired from the race, tough for Bardet but probably the right decision given those concussion concerns.

A great day for Tasmania’s Richie Porte Porte who moved into the top ten. Rigoberto Uran quietly moved into fourth.

Stage 12 CHAUVIGNY>SARRAN CORRÈZE - At Last Sweet Victory for Hirschi.

Stage twelve and today would be the longest day in the saddle at 218km over a lumpy course as Le Tour heads toward Friday’s possible critical stage in the Massif Central.

Nearly 24 hours after Caleb Ewan’s second victory in Poitiers, all talk was about Peter Sagan’s relegation from second to 85^th for that bump with Wout Van Aert in the sprint.

Many would agree it was the right decision in the interests of rider safety with Fabio Jakobsen’s horrifying crash at the Tour of Poland fresh in everyone’s minds.

Former green jersey champ Robbie McEwen thought relegation was too harsh and the odd bump is all part of the argy-bargy of a sprint and that we don’t want to go down the path of wrapping cycling in too much cotton wool.

Flashback to stage three at the 2005 Tour de France where Robbie himself was relegated for ‘irregular sprinting’ having ridden ‘erratically’ which he claimed, so as to get himself balanced better as fellow Aussie Stuart O'Grady had leaned in on McEwen’s handlebars.

Unfortunately, McEwen counterbalanced using his head against O’Grady. Hmm, shades of the ‘Dipper defence’, where every bump, he swears, was an accident? 

Others reckon Sagan was hard-done by as they believed the former triple World Champion leaned in toward Van Aert to avoid a selfie-stick protruding over the barrier. Could this be the #selfiestickgate controversy of the 2020 Tour? Could this have been a selfie-stick plant as part of a conspiracy to deny Sagan the green jersey?

At least there’s some photographic evidence to back this up, so we can safely rule out 5G, Bill Gates and the Clintons in the plot.

Over to the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahini didn’t hold back on the butter in his Apple tarte Tatin with cinnamon ice-cream. After a slow start he gets my tick of approval but no ticks of approval from the Heart Foundation with 100g of butter in the recipe.

Out on the course a break was established including Luis Leon Sanchez, Imanol Erviti, Max Walscheid, Nils Politt, Mathieu Burgaudeau and Kasper Asgreen who held their ground against a determined chase by peloton.

As the peloton rode through the rolling countryside Robbie, Bridie and Mattie noted the changing of the seasons and the hay bales in the paddocks as farmers get ready for winter.

Bridie noticed some hay bales were wrapped in plastic. Robbie suggested that the farmers bought some cheap hay bale plastic from Le Bunnings - which is only available in Melbourne via Le Click ‘n’ Le Collect.

Field art played a big part of today’s stage as it paid tribute to ‘the eternal second’ Raymond Poulidor, or Poupou as he was affectionately known as who passed away in November last year and to former French president Jacques Chirac.

The field art tribute to Poupou in the old velodrome in his home village of St-Leonard-de-Noblat was fitting to the great man.

Top marks to the wheel formation with the six-and-a-half-thousand-year-old Neolithic wheel hub. I’d say it’s time to have the bearings looked at though.

No points to what looked like a hay bale BMX with drop bars. It was either that or a road bike that’d been backed over by agricultural machinery.

But the kicker had to be the tribute to Jacques Chirac with an impressively large depiction of the former president. As an added bonus the day’s stage winner also picks up a Jacques Chirac Spice Rack, valued at 200 euros. Only at Le Bunnings, that’s nice!

Former VFL player Robert 'Dipper' DiPierdomenico claimed every bump was an accident before forging a career spruiking for Dimmeys. BE THERE!!!

Dave Macka called in to the SBS studio for his regular Zoom meeting. Er Macka, that was some poor internet connection right there but then again it’s typical of the shit internet Aussies have to deal with every day.

This reminded the Doc in Chateau du Tete of her joke from Italian holidays in 2013: internet access in Pompeii was better than at home in Melbourne.

The pretend caravan of commentary has been struck by how quite the Colombian Rigoberto Uran has been this year. Look he’s usually quiet, but not that quite we hadn’t realised he was at this year’s Tour until now.

As the race headed toward the Sarran Correze the make-up of the breakaway had changed somewhat after a series of attacks.

Max Schachmann, Quentin Pacher and Marc Soler were there but Marc Hirshi had the support of Sunweb teammates Kragh Andersen and Tiesj Benoot.

It had been looking improbable that the break would succeed but Hirschi got out in front at 30km to go and despite a concerted chase soloed across the line with a finger tips kiss victory salute.

What a great ride and well deserved first win at the Tour de France at the tender age of 22 for Hirschi who had come so close in stage two in Nice and stage 8B in Laruns.

Stage 11 CHÂTELAILLON-PLAGE>POITIERS - Caleb Makes It Win Number Two.

Stage eleven and was time for Le Tour to head east from the Atlantic coast toward the Massif Central. It promised to be another flat stage for the sprinters but with a kick up at the end to see who’s honest.

Before the race even began there was some drama for a couple of riders who went down at a roundabout in the neutral zone. Cyril Gautier was one of them who bunny hopped and crashed into a sign. How embarrassment. Fortunately, all were able to pick themselves up and roll through to the start.

Back in the SBS studio Tomo was trolling the Couch Peloton picking up on the debate on stage ten as to the identity of the elusive Troll DJ.  Tomo hinted that Troll DJ could be female but that’s just a red herring as we all know it’s Fake Mike Tomalaris on the turntables.

Ad watch: That Penfolds commercial again. It says Fine never wrote Beethoven’s fifth because, well Beethoven wrote it? Who is this ‘Fine’ they speak of anyway?

Over to the Plat du Tour outdoor kitchen this time and Guillaume Brahini prepared the French classic Mussels Marinieres served with grilledbaguette. He simply heated a large pan over a fire, in went a descent knob of butter, shallots, the mussels, white wine, some parsley and for a richer sauce a little creme fraiche. So simple and a delight for seafood lovers, unless you’re allergic to shellfish of course.

Out on the course Matthieu Ladagnous was the only rider to go out on his own from the flag drop. The forecast was for a relatively light headwind and the peloton didn’t seem at all interested in a chase.

Perhaps it was a relief to the riders to get through the potential carnage of cross winds on stage ten (all of which I missed mind you) but the riders were content to tootle along at coffee ride pace.

The landscape was quite flat and when the race is held in its regular slot in July you’d normally expect to see fields of bright yellow sunflowers that epitomise the great race.

Not this time, the tournesol, as they are known in French, had long finished and only the withered brown stalks and seed heads remain, which, according to Mattie, Morticia Addams would be delighted with.

A number of horses – and the occasional cow- were spotted along the course from the Tour chopper and what was it with the neighing? it was either an extremely loud horse or the French TV people having fun with sound effects - the Tour with added barn yard noises. They may have may have jumped the shark with the horse clip clop sound effects though. What is this, ‘Hey, Hey, It’s Saturday’?

As the peloton passed through the town of Echire, Bridie noted it’s famous for its butter that’s served at Buckingham Palace and the Principality of Monaco. Seems along with Guillaume Brahini everyone’s on the butter this evening. 

In Covid news we’ve learned that along with Tour Race Director Christian Prudhomme, Cofidis, Ineos, Mitchelton and AG2R each had a staff member test positive to the virus. Remember the rule is two positives in a team and they’re out, that’s four teams roughly at the halfway mark at risk of being booted from the Tour.

Back to the course and Mattie spotted of all things a brick museum. That’s right, a brick museum You’d have to be keen. Some members of the Couch Peloton were mortar-fied at the prospect of a visit. I think my eyes would glaze over…

In the pretend Caravan of Commentary Robbie, Mattie and Bridie turned to thequestion of should mere mortals be seen in team kit and is it frowned upon by the pros?

They see no problem with it as online sales go back to the team to help keep them on the road. Robbie for one thinks it’s fantastic to see a green jersey when he’s out for a ride, but that’s Robbie.

However, Mattie and Robbie did draw the line at the world champion rainbow jersey with the exception of youngsters.

This reminded Mattie of the story of Aussie cyclist Billy-Joe Shearsby who had been working as a bike courier. One day he was told by another cyclist that to wear the rainbow jersey you have to have earned it. Shearsby said, “I know”. Shearsby would know having won the teams pursuit at the 1993 World Championship. As it turned out the rest of his gear was in the wash that day.

Wild horses couldn't drag Caleb Ewan away from a win.

With all the horse sightings Troll DJ couldn’t help itself but to bring out Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones, my favourite song about horses after the Mr Ed theme. Thankfully we were spared that other song about horses.

The pace started to lift slightly and according to Bridie, “The peloton is like a school of fish moving as one beast”. That left us wondering if this was a school of pilot fish being a sprinter’s stage.

Whichever way you looked at it it was time for the peloton to reel in the lone breakie and Ladagnous was caught at 43km to go.

Over the course of the race Gregor Muhlberger looked like he was having a tough time. He’d passed the temperature check that morning but seemed to have been suffering a fever of some kind.  At 38km to go Muhlberger abandoned. Fingers crossed it’s not the Rona.

Bridie Bingo was called and the prize was a wheel of cheese! Not sure exactly what type but it could be no match for the ripened wheel of Camembert sitting in my fridge after 37 hours with no electricity.

30 km to go and Ion Izagirre went down in a crash and according to Robbie looked dazed and confused at the road side and with that he’s out of the Tour.

Jose Rojas was involved in that crash and it looked like he’d run a cheese grater over his kit whilst still wearing it. Ouch!

The peloton was starting to put the hammer down to get the sprinters up front.

A soigneur with what looked like a feed bag was spotted 18km to go. No one collected it but haven’t the teams been paying attention to the rules about handing up food and drink within 20km to go on a sprint stage?

The run to the line in Poitiers had a bit of an uphill section sure to sting the legs. Peter Sagan looked threatening but again out of nowhere Aussie Caleb Ewan snatched the win. Who says Caleb can’t climb?

Sagan was second across the line but was relegated to 85^th after getting in the way of Wout Van Aert.

The battle for green just got harder.

Stage 10 ÎLE D'OLÉRON LE CHÂTEAU-D'OLÉRON>ÎLE DE RÉ SAINT-MARTIN-DE-RÉ - Le Tour Unplugged.

After a well earnt rest day Le Tour resumed racing but I don’t know what the hell went on, what Guillaume Brahimi cooked up, what Mattie, Robbie or Bridie said because I didn’t watch a single second of stage ten.

Nothing, Monday night’s stormy conditions saw to that by bringing down trees and power lines so no TV and no charge on the phone.

So I lit candles, played the guitar, and if I’d found an old cardigan, could have staged a re-enactment of the famous 1993 Nirvana MTV Unplugged performance.

It took 37 hours and 20 minutes for the power to come back on. It was touch and go with the contents of the fridge but at least the Camembert had some time to ripen up under controlled conditions.

Still, I need to come up with something, so here’s a recap of the stage.

It was flat, perhaps a little bit windy on the coast. It ended in a bunch sprint with Caleb Ewan pipped on the line by Sam Bennett. Yeah, I think that’s all we need to know.

See you tonight Couch Peloton for a proper stage eleven.

Stage 8B PAU>LARUNS - Pipped by Pogacar, Heart Break for Hirschi.

Stage 8B, a short day in the saddle but with some tough climbs ahead of a well-earned rest day before heading out of the Pyrenees.

Stage 8B you say, not stage 9? Well, if you’ve been paying attention this stage has been unlucky for Tasmania’s own Richie Porte who crashed out of the 2017 and 2018 Tours on stage 9. The Couch Peloton has been reluctant to mention ‘Stage 9' for fear of jinxing Porte, in much the same way actors call it ‘The Scottish Play’ instead of Macbeth.

To the course and It was on from the get go but no break away as yet. Some of these starts have been so hard I’m getting to sense the theme of the first week has been destroy the sprinters.

In the Plat du Tour kitchen Guillaume Brahimi was reminiscing about the Espelette pepper festival in the Basque Country. Wow, a whole weekend of eating peppers. Go ahead, knock yourself out!

But the reason Brahini took us there was for tonight’s piperadewith swordfish and clams made with capsicums and piment d'Espelette. And since we are in the Pyrenees, Guillaume Brahini chose a Peyresourde fish for tonight's dinner…

Back on the course and barely 20km into the race and 2015 Vuelta Espana champion Fabio Aru slipped further and further back through the peloton until he was shadowed by the Voiture Balai or the dreaded broom wagon and Aru abandoned.

For Robbie in the pretend caravan of commentary, the question as the broom wagon looms is to bail out now or suffer all the way to the end? When it comes down it the broom wagon, according to Robbie is, "the worst naughty corner there is".

Troll DJ paid tribute to KOM classification leader Benoit Cosnepoid with Polka Dot Undies by Bowser & Blue. Just out of curiosity, has Troll DJ ever played Walking Indurain by Fred Poulet?

Discussion turned again to the prospects of Richie Porte who on stage 8B was in ‘twelve-B-eeth’ position in the GC. Tomo didn’t miss a beat with, "This is stage 8B". Well done Tomo and team, 8B, 12B, is this a B movie? Mattie can’t be all that superstitious with, “thirteenth’.

Dissecting stage eight I still can’t get over the distressing scenes of screaming fans at the roadside wearing masks on their chins, the equivalent of wearing your undies around your knees.

While we we’re still on stage eight, Mattie, Bridie and Robbie were analysing Ilnur Zakarin’s poor descending skills as opposed to his brilliant climbing prowess and did I hear, "the goat of Ilnur Zakarin?" from Mattie.

The broom wagon gets an update.

Dave Macka called in for his regular Zoom meeting with Tomo and the team and had some trouble getting Mitchelton-Scott sports director Matt White on the line.  White was very pleased to have held the yellow jersey in the form of Adam Yates for four days.  Mitchelton-Scott suddenly found itself in a position to go for GC instead of the original strategy of stage wins and everyone was trying to avoid saying 'pivot'.

Back to the race and it took a while for the breakaway as Marc Hirschi time trialled away from the peloton Panzerwagen style.  Hirschi was to stay off the front for 90km in what you could say was a kiss-off to the peloton.

Robbie mentioned that the riders had a big transfer up north ahead of the resumption of racing on Tuesday. This would normally be done by plane but since no one is flying anymore, it would be a long transfer by team bus. Besides, were would you find a plane big enough to carry 170 odd riders spaced out on board? To make room the naughty corner lads would have to be strapped to the wings.

Hirschi held his ground up front and wow, can this fellow descend! He could also get some Zoom meetings out of the way with that set up on the handle bars.

Murder Hornets Jumbo Visma cracked the whip in the peloton on the climbs in a throw to try and get former ski jumper Primoz Roglic closer to yellow, which is ironic since their kit is difficult to distinguish from the real yellow jersey.

Hirschi looked like he might just make it to the line but was caught at around 2km to go by the chase group of Primoz Roglic, Michel Landa, defending champ Egan Bernal and Tadej Pogacar.

Hirschi bided his time but after 90km out in front was pipped in the sprint to the line by Pogacar and Roglic in another 1-2 Slovenian finish. Great for Pogacar, who notched up his first Tour win, but heart break for Hirschi.

A change of the guard in the GC with Primoz Roglic moving into yellow. Porte made it home safely and moved to eleventh overall.

Stage 8 CAZÈRES-SUR-GARONNE>LOUDENVIELLE - Peters Gets a Scoop of Victory.

Stage eight and it’s already been a week since Le Tour’s Grand Depart in Nice. Fingers crossed, the Tour will make it through the next fortnight despite the rising number of covid cases in France.

At the end of week one there had been three abandons - John Degenkolb. Philippe Gilbert, Rafael Valls and Anthony Perez. By the end of the day this list would grow by another four.

Over to the Plat du Tour kitchen and Guillaume Brahimi was cooking up a pub staple steak frites with bearnaise sauce. Ah pub grub, does anyone in lockdown Melbourne remember what pub food even looks like?

Over to the action and it promised to be a shortish but nonetheless tough first day in the Pyrenees taking in the Col de Mente followed by the first Hors Categorie climb Port de Balès and the Col de Peyresourde.

In the pretend caravan of commentary Robbie talked about the challenges of transferring to the next stage on narrow winding roads. He noted a certain Texan would take a helicopter ride off a mountain top finish in the Pyrenees. I wonder who that could be?

The early thirteen-man breakaway featured the likes of Benoit Cosnefroy, Frenchman Nans Peters, Ilnur Zakarin Quentin Pacher, Michael Morkov, Neilson Powless and flying doormat Jerome Cousin.

Back in the peloton Mattie spotted Guillaume Martin, Tony Martin and Daniel Martin riding together which is collectively known as The House Martins.

I’m sure the riders enjoy the support of spectators, but what about the ones screaming at the side of the road and not wearing masks? Sounded like the tin foil hat protest in Melbourne today.

At 82km to go on the ascent of Col de Mente and Giacomo Nizzolo abandoned. A real shame for the new European Champion but nursing a knee injury on a tough climbing stage is a real ask.

Benoit Cosnefroy was the first to Hoover up the KOM points on summit of Col de Mente. We’ve become so accustomed to seeing the Frenchman in polka dots perhaps we should rename him Benoit Cosnepoid?

Bridie spotted Romain Bardet take a fall going up hill, which she said was an, “Obscure place to fall”. Yeah, by an obscure guard rail.

Ad watch: Who’s with me that if would be just fine if we didn’t have to watch that Penfolds wine ad again?

Today was a very special stage for Tasmania’s Richie Porte who, although couldn’t be there for the birth, welcomed his second child into the world Eloise. Troll DJ couldn’t help but bust out Eloise by Barry Ryan (although I prefer the version from The Damned).

Mattie was waxing lyrical about the new found friendship on the course of Brit Connor Swift who had been selected to proect Nairo Quintana on the windy days. It’s like the story of the bodyguard and the little Colombian prince. I'm not crying, you're crying.

Pavel Sivakov who was one of the many riders to crash in the rain on stage one in Nice looked to be gradually improving and might ride himself out of lanterne rouge contention by day’s end.

Over to the breakaway and that of mullet of Jerome Cousin has had so much TV time it'll be hosting its own chat show soon.

But the chat in the pretend caravan of commentary turned to the work of veteran Tour medic Dr Florence Pommerie who leads the contingent of medical staff who provide rolling first aid on the course and have all the magic spray. Dr Leo Sayer could not be here at this year’s Tour as the hair grew too big during iso to fit in the medic's car.

Forget choc milk, it's ice cream you want.

After the descent of Col de Mente, Porte de Bales, the home of chain gate loomed. For those who came in late, chain gate refers to the infamous incident during stage fifteen of the 2010 Tour de France on the ascent of Porte De Bales.

Andy Schleck in yellow suffered a mechanical and Contador attacked, a real no-no in cycling etiquette. Contador claimed not have seen Schleck was in trouble - see no chain gate, hear no chain gate, speak no chain gate.

On the ascent Thibaut Pinot blew up AGAIN along with France’s hope of a Frenchman on top of the podium in Paris. Quelle surprise.

Meanwhile in the breakaway we saw the emergence of, according to Mattie, ‘The Ilnur Zakarin Three’ consisting of Zakarin, Nans Peters and Nielson Powless. Are they an avant garde jazz trio? Into a bit of bopping on the climbs and freestyle on the descent?

Peters took off like a scolded cat down the descent of the Porte de Bales, which can’t be said of Zakarin who looked somewhat awkward, hands on the brake hoods.

Powless dropped in on a barbeque on the descent and left with a string of sausages trailing behind. Can’t blame the American for wanting join in, it is Labor Day weekend back home in the US after all.

Back in the peloton in the climb up Col de Peyresourde, Primoz Roglic had some serious Murder Hornet fire power in the form of, you guessed it, Wout Van Aert.

Van Aert clocked off for the day but Tadej Pogacar lit up in the words of Mattie like an, “excitement machine”. We saw the Nairo Quintana of old fire up on the attack and Roglic couldn’t resist.

On the narrow roads of the climb there was not a lot of distancing between spectator and rider, which has got to be a cause of concern for race organisers but full marks to the masked up roadside random bananas.

On the ascent of the Peyresourde Nans Peters channelled the spirit of Thomas Voeckler with a tongue out determination to be first across the line.

If it’s any consolation to the French Pinot may have disappointed but Peters more than made up for it with that stage victory. He may even get some ice cream with dinner.